The World’s Worst Interview(er)

Distance Traveled to Date: 3.10 Miles

Yesterday I wrote about what I perceived to be a scam sent to desperate job seekers who posted their resumes on Career Builder, but the truth is that I’ve gotten a few solid leads from employers that saw my online resume and contacted me about one of their real job openings.

Or have I?

Recently, I’ve talked to two different employers that asked me to come in for an interview to discuss vacancies in their sales forces. Both assured me that the positions were not purely commission-based, both promised a fast track toward management and running a team of salesmen, and both offered what they deemed to be near unlimited earnings potential.

Though not excited about making a living in sales, I grabbed the first open interview slot (today at 10:30 am) and drove out to Lombard (town motto: “We’re Halfway to Aurora!”) to consider a new career path. What I got instead was a little lesson in the do’s and don’ts of interviewing a job candidate:

DO ask questions. That’s the plural of “question.” Remember that.
DON’T talk for an hour uninterrupted while the job candidate fights his desire to yawn.
DO get personal with the candidate, learning what makes him tick.
DON’T ask what the candidate’s parents do for a living and then never again invite him to join the conversation.

I know it sounds like exaggeration, but the interviewer literally asked me one question. One. And that was the question about my parents. Nothing about my resume, nothing about my experience, nothing about my interests…but man could he spin a mediocre yarn. If you’ve never heard the history of the insurance industry as told by a 58-year-old insurance lifer, well, you haven’t lived. Oh, and the “not purely commission-based” line I was given? Horseshit. He said they would advance me future commission if I needed the money, but there was zero salary associated with the job.

Shockingly enough, the interviewer told me he really enjoyed our “conversation” and told me he’d like me to sit down with his boss next week to discuss specifics. Really? Are you that lonely that you’re willing to hire someone simply because he is (barely) capable of not telling you to shut the fuck up?

When I woke up this morning, I doubted that I wanted this sales job, but I went on the interview for two reasons: a) because I promised myself that I would explore any and every opportunity to rejoin the workforce as soon as possible; and b) I thought I could use the experience as a trial run for tomorrow’s interview for a job about which I’m excited. I definitely didn’t get an edge for tomorrow, but at least a middle aged middle manager now thinks he would get along well with my parents.

I’m sure they can’t wait to meet him.